Late last week, a rumor began
circulating in Washington social circles that there was trouble in
paradise for Barack and Michelle Obama. While there was no confirmation,
it was being tossed around that it was Barack looking to dump Michelle.
This morning, a filing in the District
Court of Cook County, Illinois confirmed that the couple is seeking
divorce and that Barack is, in fact, the plaintiff.
According to county docket D4610968L86,
Barack Hussein Obama seeks dissolution of marriage from Michelle Obama
on grounds of infidelity and irreconcilable differences.
The infidelity, according to the Obama’s
longtime housekeeper, Analita Consuelo Gonsales, isn’t recent but
rather the revelation through a recent DNA test that Obama isn’t the
biological father of Sasha or Malia.
Gonsales said that it wasn’t really a
surprise, because during an argument in 2003 Barack admitted to Michelle
that he had faked all of his or,gasms.
Michelle, in turn, admitted that she had
an affair with a biolab and that the children were actually the product
of advanced genetic engineering. Apparently, Malia is secretly one of
the most talented dulcimer musicians in the world and Sasha’s IQ is so
high she’s a single lab accident away from being a supervillain and
taking over the world.
Obama, who suddenly feels like an
outcast in a family of such amazing people, will step aside and even
back Michelle’s 2020 run for president, but he will not agree to paying
any form of support for Sasha, who is still a minor, mostly because she
makes more money playing Texas Hold ’em in a month than he makes in a
It’s lucky for us that we don’t have to
have this kind of craziness in our White House anymore. Having a great,
stable family like the Trumps is doing wonders for America.